


syzygy

by astrasapphic



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Enemy Lovers, Everything is consensual, Happy Ending, Kinda, M/M, Smut, Time Skips, of course
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:47:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27894799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrasapphic/pseuds/astrasapphic
Summary: syzygy/ˈsɪzɪdʒi/noun1. ASTRONOMYa conjunction or opposition, especially of the moon with the sun.
Relationships: Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 28
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't send this to/ tag them nor anyone related, thank you <3

Noel knows they should stop.

He pushes deeper into the wet heat and Cody gags a bit but refuses to let go, teary eyes watching him closely. He knows he’s close and Noel can tell he’s close too as he sees him palm himself. It always took so little for Cody to cum. Always happy to open his lips or legs for Noel.

Noel is tempted to throw his head back but he can’t look away. He grabs Cody by his stupid blond locks and he only groans as a warning before he’s filling his throat. Cody takes it, of course. He closes his eyes as he comes down his high and feels Cody’s cheek against his thigh, hears him moan and Noel guesses he has come too.

He leans against the wall and zips his pants, fixing his hoodie as if nothing has happened. Noel tells himself this will be the last time. As if he hasn’t told himself that a thousand times already.

He takes a quick look at Cody to make sure he’s presentable before he unlocks the door and checks to see if there’s anyone else in the bathroom. They’re alone. He signals Cody and they get out, going straight to the sink.

As they clean their hands, he tries to ignore Cody, but he ends up locking eyes with him through the mirror. His cheeks are flushed red and his lips are swollen. He also has the same face he puts when he wants to say something. He always chews his bottom lip and furrows slightly his brows. Noel sighs.

They dry their hands, stealing glances at each other. Noel throws the paper towel in the bin and makes his way to the door.

“Um. See you around?” Says Cody, words laced with hope.

Noel stops for a second and looks back. Cody’s clutching at his backpack nervously, playing with the slider of the zipper. Noel wonders how he manages to look so innocent when not 5 minutes ago he had had his dick on his mouth. That’s part of his charm, he guesses.

Noel sighs again and nods. He wants to add something but there’s not much left to say and he doesn’t trust his mouth enough not to betray him.

He opens the door to the hallway and his ears flood with the sound of dozens of people talking at the same time, of people laughing and running, almost as if he has come back to reality. He steps out of the bathroom and mingles with the bustling crowd. He goes back to pretending. Noel’s always been good at it.

_

He enters the cafeteria and spots Spock, who waves his arm at him. He sits down, greeting his friend with a fist bump, and lets his bag fall to the floor. He turns the chair and straddles it, propping his forearms on the backrest.

“Bad day?” Asks Spock, who passes him his order. Noel toys with the straw of his drink and shrugs.

Spock knows better than to pressure his friend into talking and Noel appreciates it when he starts telling him all about a new game he has bought recently, which allows him to switch his mind off the conversation.

Not a minute passes by and he hears the door open. He doesn’t have to look to know who it is. His back is turned to Cody, but he knows that he will, as he always does, go to the table that’s two rows down theirs and sit with his stupid tanned surfer friends. Noel tries to pay attention to the conversation, but it proves to be a difficult task when he knows that a pair of green eyes are fixated on him. It has almost become a sixth sense.

He glances back quickly to prove his theory, just in time to see those eyes look away. Cody bites at his bottom lip and tries to fake indifference, but the damage is already done. Noel rests his head against his palm. He could punch Cody for being so obvious.

It had all started because of that. By green eyes and curious looks. He didn’t know what made him so special, so fascinating in the eyes of Cody.

At first, Noel had ignored it, associating it with his reputation. He wasn’t a stranger to curious or even mocking looks from people who thought were better than him. It had taken him three detentions to understand that he couldn’t openly hit every person who looked at him weird on the schoolyard, but that he could slash the tires of their cars after class.

So he brushed it off when he started to notice it, even though irked that he was once again the center of attention of yet another jock dickhead. Because while Cody was popular and always surrounded by people, Noel only had Spock and was ready to go down in a fight if he needed to, which made him the perfect target to pick on. And Noel was too unfortunate and too easy to provoke. He figured that that time it wouldn’t be any different.

And it had kept going. Then Cody had begun to smile at him. Not laughing, smiling. He hadn’t laughed when Noel had poured accidentally water all over his pants and cursed so loud the teacher had made him leave class. He didn’t mock him like the rest of his group did, elbowing each other when Noel passed by. He didn’t laugh, but he always had a smile on his lips whenever Noel looked at him.

And Noel reached a point where he didn’t know what was worse. He could handle the mockery, the teasing. He knew he was known for having a bad temper. It was who he had been forever. And he would rather have his knuckles raw and a bloody nose that let people walk away with it. But that was, of course, a never-ending cycle. Yet Cody smiling got on his nerves, because he couldn’t understand it.

So he had followed Cody one day, catching him a day that Noel had finished class and Cody had just ended practice. He had grabbed him by his hoodie and slammed him against the nearest wall, not caring if he hit his head. Cody’s eyes had widened when he had recognized who had pushed him and Noel had growled “ _what’s the deal with you?_ ” into his ear.

What he hadn’t expected was for Cody to whimper and to feel his boner against his thigh. Noel had pulled away and Cody had put his hands around his neck, pulling him in and crashing their lips together. Soon enough, Noel had taken him into the first bathroom stall he had found empty and Cody had dropped to his knees. And that had been it.

Noel had regretted it as soon as it ended. He had bolted out of the stall and ran home without looking back. The next day, he had pretended to have a headache just so that he could skip class. When he couldn’t keep his excuses and he brought himself to go back to school, he had expected for everyone to know, for everyone to point at him and whisper in each other’s ears. He had been on edge all day, but everything had gone just as it always had. In his second period, it had been Cody this time the one to follow him into the bathroom and push him against the wall.

And it had been going for almost a year now. They would meet up two or three times a month. Sometimes Noel would search for him after practice, pinning him against the lockers to blow some steam off, angry at something that had happened to him that day. Sometimes Cody would look for him, hip against the door of his expensive black Jeep, fingers tapping against his arm, a frown between his eyebrows, and Noel knew he was waiting for him.

There really wasn’t much talking except “ _do you have lube?_ ” but because there was no need for more. There was no kissing, because, after the first one, he had sworn himself that he’d never kiss Cody again. He didn’t stay around for much after it. There was no cuddling, there was no sweetness to it. It was rough, bruising, and hurried. It was quick hands and sharp teeth against skin.

Noel knew they should stop. He knew Cody wanted something else, something more. He knew, with the way Cody wouldn’t stop looking, or hold his hand when Noel fucked him from behind, or kiss softly at his neck, careful not to leave any marks. And he’d let him, because that was easier than asking. And he couldn’t figure out what the answer could be. And he didn’t want to know either.

He knew they were polar opposites. That much was obvious. Cody, the perfect student, professional swimmer, who would get into the university he wanted, probably join a frat and later on, marry a beautiful woman and have a beautiful family in a perfect house. And Noel… well, Noel was Noel. The boy who struggled to understand basic math and who prayed to get a scholarship so that he could get into college and maybe _dream_ of making his parents proud.

Hell, Cody even changed girlfriends every two weeks. One day he’d see him with a pretty brunette with cherry lips all over his lap, the other he would have a dumb blonde hanging from his arm, leaving gloss prints on his cheek.

At the end of the day, Noel didn’t care about them. He knew that he could have Cody bend over any surface he wanted, legs spread, and slick wet lips all over his dick. He’d fuck him and Cody would return to his girlfriend after it, to do whatever it was that he did with her.

He was just a warm hole that Noel could use whenever he felt like it. He didn’t care if Cody had a crush or if his feelings were hurt. Noel didn’t want Cody like that. He absolutely did _not_ like him. He’d rather shoot himself. If Cody ever tried anything, Noel would drop him then and there without thinking twice. He was confident of it.

If he hadn’t done it yet was just because he hadn’t given him reason enough to do so. And maybe, and only maybe, because the words got stuck to his throat whenever he looked into his eyes and tried to. He blamed on those green eyes. He had always been a sucker for green eyes.

Noel was waiting. Everything eventually had to come to an end. And he wasn’t about to be on the worst end of it when it happened.

He shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair, forcing himself to clear his mind and come back to the present.

At least, he has to admit to himself, Cody is not a bad person. If anything, he isn’t _as bad_ as the rest of his friends. The rest of his stupid surfer looking, friends. But truth is, he just fit right in, with the sandy hair, the freckles on his nose (not that Noel had paid any particular attention to them), and his sun-kissed skin, even in the middle of December.

At least, thinks Noel, he doesn’t hate him. He figures it could be a lot worse.

Spock snaps his fingers in front of his face.

“You there?”

“Um, yeah, sorry.” Noel smiles shyly, ashamed he didn’t know any of what his friend had been telling him for the past ten minutes. “What were you saying?”

“Do you want to go somewhere else?”

Noel wants to say no, but nothing is holding him back from staying.

“Yeah, let’s go.” Noel sips the last bit of his drink, reveling in the warmth it provides him.

They both stand up and he takes his bag, adjusting it on his shoulder, waiting for Spock to zip his jacket. He could feel those eyes on him again. It was almost like an annoying itch he couldn’t scratch, a feeling he couldn’t get rid of.

He doesn’t look in his direction as they walk through the school café. He throws the plastic cup in the trash and opens the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had this prompt lying around since may and finally forced myself to post it  
> comments and kudos are always welcome <3 (and if there's a mistake let me know whoops)


	2. Chapter 2

Cody is bent over, cheek pressed against the table, lips shining with spit. Noel forces himself not to look. He has his shirt all rumpled up and his silk tie loosened around his neck. His suit pants are around his ankles, dressing shoes kicked off somewhere on the floor. His back is arched and his eyes are closed.

Their graduation night.

Noel rubs at the lube on his rim with his thumb and lines himself. He pushes inside slowly. Cody keeps his eyes shut and Noel prefers it that way. He almost misses it when a tear rolls down his cheek. Cody wipes it off quickly but it's enough to make Noel still his hips.

“Do you want me to stop?” He asks, rubbing Cody’s back up and down, trying to comfort him, trying to comfort himself. He tries not to think about the way his own eyes sting too, trying to hold tears back.

“N-no.” Cody panics, clenching around him. He reaches back, grazing at Noel’s thigh with his fingers, wanting to pull him close. He arches his back some more and whimpers with frustration when Noel doesn’t move. “Please.”

Noel sighs but doesn’t say anything, he just pushes until he bottoms out and his heart clenches. Cody makes a strangled noise and Noel’s throats tightens. He grabs his dick and starts stroking him, trying to distract him. He’s still a bit buzzed from the alcohol and he’s sure that Cody’s friends are looking for him but he goes slow. Tonight, he can allow himself, _they can allow the_ _mselves_ , to be selfish.

He loosens his own tie, gasping for air, and leans until he’s kissing his upper back. His thumb finds his way on Cody’s cheek and he swipes at it, catching another tear. Noel snaps his hips forward and Cody whimpers. He puts a hand over his mouth and murmurs Cody’s name on his ear, cooing softly. He rocks his hips gently and pulls his hand away when Cody lowers the volume of his moans. 

But it’s not enough. He slides out, biting at his lip because he really doesn’t want to. Cody lifts his head to look at him, confused, and Noel pushes at his hip until he turns over and he’s resting on his back. Noel drags him, grabbing at his thighs, until he’s on the edge of the table, and eases his way inside him again, pinning him down and holding him by his hips.

Cody’s hands fly to his mouth and he covers it, muffling the sounds that ripple through his lips, hiding too the blush on his cheeks. Noel takes him by his wrists until he pulls them away from his face. He pins them on each side of his head and hovers over him.

“Noel…” Cody mewls, scrunching his face as he does so, and Noel just can’t stop looking. He wants to engrave it in his memory forever. “I’m gonna m-miss you.”

Noel doesn't answer. His gaze flickers back and forth between his eyes and his mouth and _fuck, he has to_. What does it matter now? He leans in until their noses touch and Cody holds his breath. He pauses just in case he wants to pull back, but when he doesn’t, Noel connects their lips together.

Cody doesn’t respond at first, probably too shocked, but Noel licks into his mouth insistently and he melts into it, wrapping his arms around Noel’s neck. There are no fireworks, just Cody’s sweet tongue from the liquor he had had before, but it has Noel pressing closer, rolling his hips.

He releases his wrists in favor of fisting at his half-buttoned shirt to take control over the kiss, but he gets distracted when he grazes naked skin. He tugs at the fabric, trying blindly to unbutton the rest while he keeps their mouths locked. When he finally does, he presses his palms flat against Cody’s chest, which pulls a gasp out of him.

Noel’s fingers roam his body, going through all the places he hasn’t bothered to explore in two years. It’s almost as if he has never touched Cody before. His finger pads skim every inch of milky skin available, enjoying the softness of his tummy, prodding at every bone, learning the shape of his ribcage, going up, going down.

Cody’s hands start touching him too. Hesitant, at first, as if Noel were to push him away. Noel gets goosebumps at every brush of his hands, and he hisses when Cody claws at his back and drags his nails down. His sweaty palms go to his stomach, and Noel feels it twirl inside. He brushes his nipples and presses them too against his chest, feeling his heartbeat. He keeps his hands there, rubbing with his fingers every now and then.

Noel goes down to his neck and starts sucking, wanting to leave a mark, making sure he does. He moves onto another patch of skin and repeats the action, which has Cody writhing underneath him. If this is truly the last time they see each other, it wouldn’t hurt Cody to get a little reminder from it.

Cody whines and pulls at his head to kiss him. When their lips collide again, Noel regrets not kissing him sooner. He’s also grateful he didn’t. He moans into his mouth and Cody bites at his bottom lip. His legs frame his waist and pull Noel closer. Even if he’s inside Cody, he doesn’t feel close enough.

Cody gets louder every second and Noel kisses him desperately, wanting to swallow every sound. He slides a hand between his bodies and starts stroking him again. Cody opens his wet eyelashes, tears welling up in his eyes again.

“It’s okay, baby.” Noel shushes, a hand cupping his jaw. It’s fucked up that it isn’t okay, that any of it is.

But it seems to do the trick, because Cody arches his back and Noel puts his lips on him as he comes, feeling warm cum on his stomach, most probably staining his shirt. He only has to thrust a few more times and one final drag has him losing it too. Noel closes his eyes, seeing stars, and turns his head, moaning in Cody’s ear. He feels him shiver. His cheeks are wet and Noel doesn’t know whom the tears belong to anymore.

He waits for his heart to steady and for his breathing to go back to normal before he starts to pull his hips back. Cody tightens his legs and doesn’t allow him to do so.

“Don’t.” Sobs Cody, clutching at his neck. “Please, please, please, Noel, don’t.”

Noel stares into his eyes and his own vision gets blurry. He closes them and presses their foreheads together.

“I’m sorry, Cody.” Noel isn’t entirely sure what he’s apologizing for anymore.

He looks down and pulls back again, and this time Cody lets him. They both hold their breaths and Noel hisses at the cold when he slips out. Cody’s fingers loosen and the sudden silence is deafening. Something in the air changes. The bubble bursts and they’re forced to face reality again.

Noel kisses Cody’s forehead one last time and straightens up. Somehow, he doesn’t feel satisfied. He doesn’t think he would even if he came 10 times. Noel takes a tissue out of his pocket and cleans them the best he can. He pulls his pants up both because he’s freezing and because he can’t do anything else but get dressed. Once it's clear that his shirt is ruined and that he can't make it look decent even if he buttons it up or tucks it in, Noel gives up trying.

He turns and Cody has sat down, not bothering to get dressed. Noel sees the hickeys on his neck and feels something akin to pride swirling in his chest. He wonders what his perfect family will think of him when he arrives home looking like that. Noel? He could walk through the door wearing just a pink thong and his parents wouldn’t even notice nor care. But Cody? He wonders how he will get away with it. If he would say that it had been Kristen or whatever his girlfriend’s name is at the time.

Noel has managed to tear apart the perfect guy. And two years ago he would've been proud. But today, the feeling in his chest rots and turns into something uglier. And it doesn’t feel right. Not when his eyes are rimmed red and he’s not looking at him. Not when he notices the dark circles under his eyes. He looks at him and he doesn’t know what to say. 

He takes his jacket from a nearby chair and puts it on, fixing his tie and buttoning a few buttons to hide what he’s wearing underneath. He stops in front of Cody, who is still not getting dressed. Noel opens his mouth a few times but ends up closing it again, not knowing what to say.

He lifts his hand, wanting to touch him, wanting to do _so_ _me_ _thing_. Cody flinches and turns his head away.

“Just go, Noel.”

Cody’s crying again, a hand over his eyes, and Noel lets his arm drop. There’s nothing else he can do or say. _Thank you for letting me fuck you for two years. I hope I never see you again Cody Kolodziejzyk._

Noel turns and walks to the door. He stops one last time and looks back, but Cody refuses to look back at him. He would have liked to see his eyes one last time. He has always been a sucker for green eyes, for _his_ green eyes.

“Goodbye, Cody.”

He doesn’t wait for an answer because he knows he won’t get one. He leaves Cody because he never stays after sex and because he’s an asshole. And that’s what assholes do.

He leaves the classroom and makes his way to the main entrance. It must be later than he had expected because he doesn’t encounter anyone on his way out. He feels a bittersweet taste rise up his throat as he walks down the school hallways. He can see the ghosts of his memories lurking in every place. He sees his locker, he sees Spock’s. He sees his reflection run late to literature class. He sees the shadows of two boys getting inside a bathroom. He sees nothing but mirages of Cody in every corner.

He sighs and has to force himself to keep his feet moving. He wishes he could turn back time. He wishes he had never met him.

Once he’s in the entrance he pushes the glass door one last time and he’s out, breathing the night’s air. And it’s suffocating. The stark contrast of the night’s coldness makes his lungs burn. His ears buzz and he feels his breath quicken, but it’s not because of the cold anymore. His mind is going so fast it makes him feel sick. His legs give out and he has to lean against the wall. He focuses on breathing, trying not to have a panic attack in the middle of a parking lot.

He's not sure how much time has passed but he’s shaking when Spock finds him.

“Dude, where have you been? I thought you had already left.”

He feels a hand against his shoulder and he shivers. Cold sweat licks at his nape and he has to focus all his efforts to try and stand up again. Two hands on his shoulders help him.

“Are you drunk? Need me to drive you home?”

Noel just nods, throat too scratchy to answer, and leans against his friend’s body as they walk side to side. When they reach his car, he puts his forehead against the passenger’s door frame without opening it. Spock laughs.

“Man, you’re wasted.”

Noel chuckles just to answer something and Spock opens the door for him, making sure he sits well and buckles up his seatbelt.

“If you throw up, I’m gonna make you eat it, copy?”

“Copy.” Noel laughs, lungs burning and a heavy weight on his chest.

Spock starts the car and reverses until he’s out of the parking spot. Noel watches through the rearview how the school vanishes in the distance. He thinks he sees a black Jeep. He doesn’t look back to make sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a mess
> 
> so i originally had chapter 2 & 3 already but while editing this one i ended up rewriting half of it so that took longer than expected :) i'm also on my midterms and i still have to edit next chapter so idk yet when i'll be able to post the next one (and i might edit this again because i'm never satisfied)
> 
> thank you for your lovely comments <3 i really appreciate them


	3. Chapter 3

Noel hates parties.

Well, it’s not the parties _ per se _ . He hates the cramped rooms, the too-loud music, the people. He sighs when he sees a bottle smash against the floor, its content spreading all over,  _ that’s going to be a bitch to clean _ . And he’s most probably going to be the one to do so.

Spock just laughs and truth is, Noel can’t say anything, not when it’s his birthday. So he just glares at the college kid responsible for the disaster, and he sees him get red and start cleaning it with a paper towel. Yeah,  _ Noel hates parties _ .

And he had tried to put on his best fake smile when the guests had begun to arrive, letting himself get dragged through too many groups of people, because honestly,  _ how did Spock know this many people? _ Even though all he wanted to do was flee and go hide in his room. But, a fter a few hours, Noel had given up trying to be social and he ended up sitting on the couch, warm beer in hand, making small talk with one of Spock’s least annoying friends, whose name he doesn’t remember. 

He tries to stay focused on what the boy is saying, sipping at his drink. He has blue eyes and a cute nose with freckles and truth is, Noel wouldn’t mind getting laid. He's pretty enough, and he seems interested too.

He hears the doorbell and almost groans as he sees Spock get up from the couch. He can’t believe that it’s almost 4 a.m. and people are still coming. Noel takes a look at the front door as he sets his now empty bottle on the coffee table but he doesn’t get to see how many more people have arrived. If there’s one thing he’s sure of, is that Spock is going to have to repay him for all the trouble, and thinking about the endless possibilities makes him only feel slightly better.

He feels a tap on his thigh and looks to his right. Spock’s friend,  _ fuck I should really learn his name _ , excuses himself to go to the bathroom, and Noel doesn’t know if that’s a cue to follow him, but he’s too annoyed to think about it.

He sees the boy look back at him and wink before getting inside and just as Noel stands up to go after him, at least to get away from all the noise, Spock comes back with the newcomers. Noel dismisses the idea in favor of not losing his place on the couch and he sits down again, crossing his arms and spreading his legs in a silent dare.

Spock passes him a beer, and Noel almost forgives him. Almost. He still glares at him when he pops the bottle cap off with the opener and Spock sends him an apologetic look back before sitting down next to him. Noel sees the mischievous glint in his eyes.  _ This fucker _ . He leans to whisper something in his ear, and Noel’s eyes scan the room. 

Just as Spock says, “sorry, I didn’t know he would be here.” he hears him. Laugh ringing loud and clear in his ears. He freezes, a shiver traveling down his spine, and he makes eye contact with a pair of green eyes, mirroring an equally confused look. And he recognizes those green eyes. He thinks he could describe them with his eyes closed. But his brain takes some time to process who he’s seeing.

His image brands hot in his mind, just like a fresh wound over an old scar. He still has blond hair, even blonder than before, and it’s slicked back, with a few strands breaking free over his forehead. His cheeks have lost part of their baby fat, his facial features have gotten sharper, and he has the shadow of a beard along his jaw.

Yet when Noel looks at him, all he sees is the reflection of the boy he left in that class three years ago. He technically is the same person and always will be, at least in the eyes of Noel, no matter how many years pass or how much he changes. 

He’s still the same boy, same nervous gaze as his eyes flicker between Noel and Spock, who is saying something he can’t focus on. He sees the boy he kissed, the boy he fucked, the boy who cried in his arms. He sees the boy who brushed their hands when crossing in a hallway, he sees the lips that he had felt countless times against his neck, he sees the body of someone he used to hold close.

It’s overwhelming and it all happens so fast it leaves him feeling dizzy. Noel forces himself to tear his gaze away and he looks back at Spock. He tries to brush it off with a shrug but he knows he’s busted. Spock arches a brow, and Noel is considering flipping him off when an extended hand gets into his field of vision. He has to look up to see the person who is holding it out to him.

“Devon. You’re Spock’s roommate, right?”

Noel nods and shakes his hand. “Noel.”

“Hope we’re not bothering you too much.” He has perfect straight white teeth and a charming smile. He’s the perfect definition of a frat boy. “This is Marcus.”

He pulls at a brunet by his ear and the other rubs at it, protesting loudly while holding a cup filled with a green liquid. “Hi,” he greets Noel quickly before catching one of his friends in a headlock and pouring the drink down his throat.

“Don’t mind them, they all share one brain cell.” He sighs, making threatening signs at Marcus to get him to stop. “And this is Cody.”

Noel sees him wipe his palm on his jeans before holding his hand out too. “Hi.”

“Hey.”

Noel shakes his hand quickly, pulling back even faster. He feels his movements jerky and robotic, and he blames it on the alcohol. He suppresses another shiver and Cody runs a hand through his hair, a nervous habit of his that Noel doesn’t recognize. He wonders if he’s the only one feeling his heart in his throat.

Before he’s forced to make any small talk, Spock’s friend comes back and sits on his right side. Noel doesn’t want to overanalyze Cody’s curious look at the guy, and soon Devon introduces himself again.

“Devon, and you are?”

“Noah. Spock and I are in the same Music Theory class.”

Noel makes a mental note of his name just as Noah leans in innocently.

“I have to go but,” Noel feels his hot breath against the shell of his ear. “Can I have your number?”

“Yeah.” Noel isn’t really in the mood to flirt anymore but he has no reason to say no.

He fishes his phone out of his pocket and gives it to Noah, who decides to rest innocently a hand on his thigh while typing his number. The gesture does not go unnoticed by the two friends. Devon has a sharky smile on his lips and Cody’s eyebrow twitches, but otherwise manages to keep his face composed. Noel wishes he had more alcohol in his system. He throws his head back and downs half of his beer in one go.

Noah returns his phone to him with a squeeze on his thigh and gets up, waving goodbye to the four of them. Noel lets a quiet breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding. None of the three make any comment at the interaction, and soon enough, Devon breaks the ice by asking Spock something Noel doesn’t care about enough to actually pay any attention to it.

Devon slips into an armchair, which leaves Cody standing awkwardly in the middle for a bit before he sits down in the only seat available, next to Noel, leaning his body in the opposite direction to make sure there’s enough space between the two of them.

Noel feels too self-conscious, and suddenly the poster that’s hanging on the opposite wall from the couch and that he has already seen a million times turns into the most interesting object on the planet. He’s busy admiring the lettering’s font when he feels a thigh press against his. It makes him snap out of his haze instantly.

The touch feels so unreal and so grounding at the same time that it makes him too self-aware of his surroundings. He tries to lean as much weight as he can on the left side of his body, the side that’s next to Spock, but it proves to be useless, and all he gets is an annoyed elbow on the ribs from him when he keeps squirming in his seat.

“…and then I told him to get the fuck out.”

He tries to focus on the conversation. Cody’s thigh flexes. Noel shakes his head and forces himself to listen to whatever Devon is talking about. Cody bounces his leg.

He wants to ignore it. He wants to ignore him, yet all he can hear is Cody, laughing beside him. All he can see is Cody, eyes crinkling when he smiles. All he can smell is Cody, cologne tickling his nose. All he can feel is Cody, his presence warm and grounding, and it’s too much.

Is he the only one conflicted?

He fiddles with his bottle and reads the ingredients twice. When there’s nothing else for him to do, he begins scraping at the label with his nail, taking small bits of paper off. He’s focused on trying to scratch off the brand’s name when he feels a tap on his arm.

“You want another one?” Cody offers him a beer can, a shy smile on his lips. He’s not clear-headed enough to think about what that induces, but Noel doesn’t like how that smile feels. It feels like forgiveness. It feels like a start. 

Noel clears his throat, realizing he’s still grabbing an empty bottle, and he blushes, embarrassed. He sets it on an empty spot at the table, along with the other cups and bottles. “Yeah.”

Their fingertips touch and Cody at least has the decency to flush. Noel can’t bring himself to crack it open, welcoming instead its coolness by pressing his palms flat against it. Cody smiles and Noel almost winces. 

It’s too much. He’s being haunted by ghosts, by Cody’s past, by Cody’s present self. He feels trapped in those eyes again, in that smile. Because that’s how everything had started in the first place. He knows what’s coming. Or, he knows what  _ could _ come.

And Cody’s looking directly at him and he has the same look he always has had when he wants to say something. Noel recognizes it. He always chews his bottom lip and furrows his brows. And Noel knows he has to make a quick decision. If he lets Cody speak, he’ll be back to square one. He’ll go back in time to 5 years ago when it all began.

And Noel can’t do it. It was the reason he had left him in the first place. He stands up before Cody gets to say anything.

“Um, Spock?” 

“Yeah?” The three of them lift their heads and Noel looks down at his feet, avoiding their gazes. He hands Spock his beer.

“Imma go out, I need some air.” He says, as nonchalantly as he manages, rubbing at his temple to make his excuse more valid.

Noel doesn’t look back to check if they’ve heard him. He walks quickly, feeling eyes on his back, pushing people until he gets to the door. He opens it after patting his pocket to make sure he has his keys and slams it close. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy this mediocre filler chapter
> 
> i think there will be 1/2 more chapters(? depends on how inspired i am. i've also rewritten THREE times chapter 4 with different scenarios and settings and i've yet to find one i'm convinced of :)))
> 
> english isn't my first language so again, if there are any mistakes please point them out (i wont get offended i promise it truly helps!!) 
> 
> any comments appreciated <3


	4. Chapter 4

When he first gets out, he doesn’t know where to go. He lets the air burn his lungs as he breathes in deeply. His first thought is to get as far away as he can, but his legs don’t seem to want to cooperate. He forces himself to walk anyway, and he ends up sitting on the first bench he encounters. 

There are but two streetlights, and he’s grateful that they're dim enough not to hurt his eyes. He feels the pressure of a faint migraine in between his brows, and he leans against the backrest, throwing his head back and closing his eyes. He sighs loudly and when he opens his eyes, he looks up to the stars, their light fading as night turns to dawn. His ears ring in contrast with the silence of the night, used to the loud music of his apartment. The only thing he hears once in a while is the door opening, an awkward cough here, a couple kissing there. It’s nice enough that he zones out, his mind blank. 

He almost manages to forget why he came outside in the first place when he hears the footsteps of someone getting closer, and of them sitting at the opposite end of the bank. Noel doesn't have to turn his head to know who it is.

He decides on ignoring him for as long as he can, eyes fixed on the sky, fingers fiddling with each other. He doesn't see him, at least not directly, but out of the corner of his eye, he can make out his figure, perfectly still, hands on his thighs and looking straight at some point in the horizon. After a few minutes, he takes out a pack of cigarettes and Noel hears the _click_ of a lighter. 

It's only then that he decides to openly look at him, just as he puts the cigarette on his lips and hollows his cheeks, taking a long drag. Cody sucks air through his teeth, a hand coming up his chest, and he blows the smoke out. They stay like that until he finishes it, and Noel enjoys the quietness. The calm before the storm. He knows it's soon about to be broken. 

But, for a while, he just looks at Cody. He takes in his face, his body. He’s a pretty smoker, Noel can give him that much. He’s one of those people that just look cool while doing it. It just fits him. His body language, however, screams discomfort and tiredness. His shoulders are hunched forward, feet pointing inwards, one arm wrapped around himself in a half hug. Cody looks out somewhere in the distance, and Noel is hypnotized with the way his lips wrap around the cigarette butt, with how they form an _o_ shape as he exhales. It allows them to pretend a little longer. It allows them to bask in the silence. 

Cody takes one final drag and throws the end to the ground, putting it out with the sole of his Converse. It’s only then that he turns to face Noel. He lets his gaze roam his body blatantly, and Noel suppresses a shiver. As soon as Cody opens his mouth to speak, the bubble bursts.

“Good to-"

Noel cuts him off before he gets to finish the sentence, “Don’t,” he shakes his head and softens his voice, “just don’t start with that bullshit, okay?”

Cody just lowers his eyes, looking at his hands clasped together on his lap. He pulls at the sleeves of his leather jacket and fiddles with one of the zippers at the ends of it. The air around them thickens and Cody bites his lip, but Noel doesn’t take the bait. And it might be selfish, but Noel had gotten out to avoid having a conversation with him, so he figures that if Cody really wants to talk to him, he’s going to have to be the one to put in the effort. It’s selfish, and Noel doesn’t care. 

When Cody talks again, it's so quietly he doubts at first he's heard right.

"Do you think we could start over?" His voice is a mere whisper, and Noel holds his breath. He has a hundred answers ready, none of which he likes.

"And be what? Friends?"

It comes out more sarcastic than he had intended, but he doesn't apologize, and neither does it seem to discourage Cody. There's a glint of something in his eyes that Noel can't interpret.

"Maybe."

It's a too casual answer, almost too casual for someone who has a grin tugging at one corner of his lips. It’s almost a mocking smile, but the light doesn’t reach his eyes. Noel just scoffs, pressing his tongue on the inside of his cheek as he thinks. It's now Cody's turn to look at him fixedly as Noel actively avoids his gaze. 

"I don't think we can.” It comes out of his mouth so easily it's almost calculated. It comes out so easily he almost convinces himself. “I don't think we should."

"Why?"

"God, Cody," Noel gets up, refusing to face Cody, already wanting the conversation to be over. He puts his hands in his pockets and shrugs dismissively, "we are too… different."

Cody stays silent and looks down again, and Noel takes the opportunity to start walking back to the building. He expects Cody to give up, but he knows him too well to know he won't. His supposition is confirmed when he hears the sound of shoes hitting gravel following him from behind.

"Is that your excuse?" Noel is momentarily taken aback by the sudden burst of confidence, at the anger in Cody's voice. He stops just when he’s about to get to the door, but he doesn't turn around.

"It's _not_ an excuse, Cody." He balls his hands on each side of his body, digging his nails in his palms. "It's what it is." 

"So that's why you keep pushing me out of your life? Because we are too different?" Cody keeps insisting, and it only serves to fuel Noel's annoyance even more. 

Noel turns. 

"Why do you even care, Cody?" He almost yells. "Why do you keep trying?" And it's an honest question, but he doesn’t think he wants to know the truth. He would rather have a white lie that would satisfy him enough not to feel guilty. Enough to ease his conscience.

"I think you know." Says Cody, stepping forward in his direction, getting closer. Noel doesn't dare to move. He just digs his nails harder until he thinks he breaks skin.

"I don't."

“Do you not know or do you not want to face it?” Noel feels cornered, both physically and mentally. Cody’s chest is mere inches away from his. He can smell his cologne again. “Because I think you know, but you’re too much of a coward to admit it.”

It takes Noel a second to react but as soon as his brain processes what he has heard, he takes Cody by the lapels of his jacket, pushing him until he slams him against the wall. Cody doesn’t fight back. 

“Don’t call me a coward ever again.” He snarls, baring his teeth. 

“Come on Noel, hit me.” Cody has a smirk on his lips, challenging him. Noel tightens his grasp, wanting to wipe that smile off his face, but Cody’s body is slack. “That’s what you always did anyway. Hitting is easier than facing your feelings, isn’t it?” 

“There are _no_ feelings.” The zipper painfully digs in his palm but he doesn’t let go.

“No?” 

“Shut the fuck up.” It’s a weak comeback and he knows it. Cody knows it. “You don’t know me.”

Still grabbing at his jacket, Noel brings his fists up, pressing them against Cody’s collarbones, tightening the collar around his neck, trying to look more threatening. Cody seems unfazed, palms against the wall but otherwise standing straight. Proud. Noel could easily swing at his jaw. An easy, clean uppercut. He should have done it already, but he can’t bring himself to lift his hand. 

“I guess it’s true. After all these years, I never really knew you.” Cody sighs, resignation in his voice. “So why don’t you tell me?”

“Tell you _what_?” He grits through his teeth. 

“That you didn’t feel anything.”

Noel is left momentarily speechless. His fingers loosen but he doesn’t let his arms drop yet. 

“Are you going to pretend it didn’t hurt?” Cody continues, poking into the wound. His pupils are blown and they seem to swallow down Noel. He feels lost in them. “When you left that classroom?”

Noel pushes at his chest, hands suddenly burning. It’s weak and Cody doesn’t budge.

“Fuck you.” He spits, still maintaining eye contact. “It was all your fault.”

Cody laughs lightly and throws his head back, leaning it against the wall. His Adam’s apple bobs as he chuckles.

“I wasn’t the one to hurt you, Noel, you did that yourself.” The sudden loss of confidence has Noel retreating, in shock. Cody turns his head to the side. 

“Cody,” Noel warns, blood pumping in his ears, but he doesn’t finish the sentence. Because he doesn’t know what to say, he just wants him to stop. To stop talking. To stop digging the dagger deeper. Because he doesn’t think he can handle it.

“I liked you,” Cody hesitates for a second when he says it, and Noel pretends he doesn’t notice. His voice wavers, “I let you use me because that was better than not having you. And when you left, I forgot how my life used to be before you.”

Cody looks like he’s going to cry, and the dejà-vu is so painful, Noel can’t do anything but stare. The whirlwind of emotions makes Noel stay rooted in place, confused about what he’s feeling. As he watches Cody’s face he feels shame, guilt, fear. Yet something inside blooms new. 

Cody must mistake his silence with rejection, because he smoothens his hands over his jacket and shirt, just where Noel had been grabbing him, fixing the collar. He refuses to meet Noel’s eyes, but he sniffs quietly.

“I guess I’ll just-”

And Noel might not be able to deal with his feelings at the moment, but he can’t deal with Cody leaving again either. He doesn’t let him finish and does what first crosses his mind. He grabs at his jacket again, but this time, instead of pressing him back, he pulls him in. When he presses their lips together, it’s with anger, with frustration and desperation.

Cody seems kind of reluctant to kiss back, and Noel kisses him more desperately until he finally melts into it with a sigh against his lips. There are no fireworks, just the sweet taste of liquor and the bitterness of cigarette smoke. But it’s enough. It’s enough and it has Noel’s stomach fluttering. And Noel is not good with words, never has been, so he tries to pour all of his heart into the kiss. He grabs both sides of Cody’s face and pulls closer, and the blond cups his jaw with one hand, the other on his neck. And he hopes Cody understands.

Cody is the one to break the kiss after a few minutes, but he still holds Noel’s face close to his, breath fanning over his mouth. 

“What do you want, Noel?” There is hurt and tiredness in his voice.

Noel slides his hands down to his chest, thumb rubbing at his collarbone. 

“I don’t know.” He admits.

When he feels Cody trying to pull back, he plants his lips back on him. This time, it’s a chaste peck, and it only lasts a few seconds before Noel moves to the corner of his mouth, peppering soft and delicate kisses along his cheek and jaw. 

The thing is, Noel had always taken pride in his courage. He had always been arrogant, selfish. He had shielded his emotions with anger, with violence, hurting whoever was on his path just so that his own feelings were spared. He had always taken pride in his courage, yet when he looks into Cody’s eyes, all of it crumbles. And he can’t keep his walls up any longer. He can’t pretend anymore. Not when Cody looks at him with such adoration. An adoration that Noel doesn’t think he deserves. He tries to swallow down the lump in his throat before speaking.

“Is it too late?” His heart beats fast, adrenaline coursing through his veins. He thinks he could have heard a pin drop. 

Cody holds his breath and it’s now Noel’s turn to wait with his heart on his sleeve. He feels a hand come up his neck and it makes his skin crawl.

“Oh, Noel,” Cody whispers before leaning in.

This time, when Cody kisses him, Noel just lets him do as he pleases. It’s shy at first, nothing but lips pressed together, and Cody’s hands shake when they grab his shoulders. When he deepens it, Noel just wraps his arms around his waist and clings at his back, like a drowning man clinging to a shipwreck. Grabbing him as he were to fall. 

Noel realizes he already has. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, it's coming to an end. i kinda like how this chapter finishes and i don't really have an idea planned for a fifth chapter, so idk yet if i'll leave it like this or if i'll write something else to wrap everything up. 
> 
> comments appreciated and happy holidays/new year!!<3


End file.
